The Taming of the Nerfherder
Shakespearean Star Wars

by the Eminent JoJo Hasenpfeffer, B.S.



see You Could Use Another Good Kiss home page
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[In a galaxy twelve billion fortnights' time from our theater... ]

Leia: Han! O Han...wherefore art thou Han?

Han: [Han, popping up at the wrong moment because he doesn't know the correct meaning of "wherefore."] I'm over here, sweet Leia!

Leia: What? Get thee hence until completed are my lines! This is my moment!

Han: A thousand apologies!

Leia: Yea...where was I? Deny thy Falconand refuse thy...

Han: WHAT!?!? GRRRRRRRR. or if...shut up,Han!...thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and...Hey, come back! You're supposed to be eavesdropping!I'll no longer [Leia pursues Han like a fury] be an Organa!

Han: Listen, Your Highnessness, I didn't know what all this star-crossed lovers deal was about when I got into it. You can have your Organa status. I'm keeping my ship!

Leia: Words, words, words! You are just a scruffy-looking fishmonger!

Han: Who's scruffy-looking?

Leia: [turning up her nose] What dost thou know?!?

Han: Too well what love men to ships may owe!...

[spotlight settles over Han's figure as he prepares his monologue]

What a piece of work is a ship! How speedy in parsecs! In form and moving how rugged and manly!

Leia: Han, your use of rhythm and meter is incorrect! Iambic Pentameter, not free verse!

Han: [Throwing down his text book on English literature] I've been trying for two weeks to master this language and all I get is, 'Han, I don't like your ship... Han you're not speaking in perfect Shakespearean Iambik pentaneger!' I'm outta here!

Leia: Patience, I pray you; 'twas a fault unwilling. Come hither again!

[Takes hold of his arm and is thrown off]

Han: And who is this Shakespeare guy, anyway? What kind of a first name is William?

Leia: A name? What's in a name?

Han: I knew you were going to say that!

[The author apologizes for the misbehavior of her players as the fight continues... ]

Leia: [in the background] You whoreson beetle-headed, flap-ear'd knave!

[The security staff has now forcibly removed Han and Leia from the thrust stage]

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